Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Life... or something like it
I started reading 'The Life You've Always Wanted' by John Ortberg and the very first chapter described how I've been feeling lately... here are bits and pieces of what he shares:
"I am disappointed with myself. I am disappointed not so much with particular things I have done as with aspects of who I have become. I have a nagging sense that all is not as it should be.
Some of this disappointment is neurotic. Sometimes I am too concerned about what others think of me, even people I do not know. Some of this disappointment, I know, is worse than trivial; it is simply the sour fruit of self-absorption. I attend a high-school reunion and can't choke back the desire to stand out by looking more attractive or having achieved more impressive accomplishments than my classmates.
But some of this disappointment in myself runs deeper. When I look in on my children as they sleep at night, I think of the kind of father I want to be. I want to create moments of magic, I want them to remember laughing until the tears flow, I want to read to them and make the books come alive so they love to read.
Instead, I look in on them as they sleep and remember how the day really went. I remember how at night I didn't have slow sweet talks, but merely rushed the children to bed so I could have more time to myself.
I am disappointed that I still love God so little and sin so much.
Where does this disappointment come from? ... The older and wiser answer is that the feeling of disappointment is not the problem, but a reflection of a deeper problem-my failure to BE the person God had in mind when He created me. It is the 'pearly ache' in my heart to be at home with the Father."
But then I also read this....
'God's plan is not simply to repair most of our brokenness. He wants to make us new creatures. So the story of the human race is not just one of universal disappointment, but one of inextinguishable HOPE."
What an incredibly AWESOME God that we serve! To know that God loves me and wants to know me despite my 'issues' gives me such peace and ignites such a passion to draw closer to Him.
So I think I need to do a personal inventory of my life. Praying and asking God to help me 'let go and let God' when it comes to those 'disappointments.'
We attended the Mom's Bible Study this morning and it was their annual 'toy exchange.' I wish I had more to give away but it was hard to part with a lot of her toys knowing that she still plays with most things and that hopefully someday there will be another Rose to make use of them. But nobody seemed to care and the majority of the toys I did take were taken by someone else! I was so excited to see they went to good use. We came home with a wooden puzzle, a plastic phone (in hopes that she'll enjoy this more than ours... lol), a little doll (a little something to entertain her on the train ride home), and a Cinderella block holder with some bigger lego blocks. I enjoyed myself, got to meet some new moms and Isabella had a ball playing with the other kids in the playroom. I'm really excited to get more involved next year and I'm hoping to attend the end of year gathering this Saturday night. I also got to talk 'adoption' with two of the moms so that's always fun for me. LOL
We came home and both took a nap however, I woke up with some sort of rash on my face. I thought it was just how I slept but it's 8hrs later and still there so who knows.
We go flat hunting tomorrow and we're really praying to find the 'one.' LOL We're both ready to make a decision and sign a contract so hopefully tomorrow will go well. If you think about us... please pray that God would provide and that it may work out to move sooner than later.
Isabella discovered 'swimming' in the tub tonight. I don't remember how it started but I just remember her on her belly and giggling. Then she would stand up, take a few steps, and go back down on her belly again. We also had fun looking out our big window today. I was trying to do some serious cleaning and I moved the couch away from the window and Isabella had so much fun banging her head against the window, climbing up on the little ledge, and just staring out of it. She just constantly reminds me to find joy in everything.
Blessings to you all~